Without going into detail, I have been in an abusive relationship and even 2 years later, the effects are still there. I have yet to open up about my experience, but want to have a conversation about how I took care of myself after. I never had anyone tell me about the types of emotional abuse and how it can happen to anyone, even me. I really did think I was someone that would never be in the situation I was in. I was naive and ignorant. While this is something very uncomfortable for me to write about, its something I’m such a huge advocate for. I learned and grew and very much want to have the conversation about how to see the signs of abuse and how to recover. Even if you don’t know anyone in an abusive situation, knowing as much as you can will help others around you by enlightening them on a topic so ignored by society.
The Signs Lifestyle Signs of abuse are very hard to see. For me, I started only spending time with my abuser and strayed away from friends and family. I was very manipulated and very overwhelmed by our relationship. I lost my closest friends and my social circle shrunk down to my abuser. This situation is VERY common for love addicts, or those that are addicted to intimacy and bonding.
With both emotional and physically abusive relationship, abusers are very generous and kind in the early stages. The victim is usually so blindsided and doesn’t see this as odd and loves the attention/kindness. Abusers act this way to feed on the insecurities and make the victim trusting and loyal, immediately. Notice lavish presents, change in lifestyle or eating out more at fancy places. The victim bragging about the person in an idolizing way. Especially when they say things like: “I’m not used to it”, “They are different than anyone else”. Healthy relationships don’t involve a huge show or fake personalities.
Communication If the victim is constantly fighting with their abuser, over text or phone. Like every few weeks, this is a red flag. This was always something for me. We would fight every other week as a way for me to try to always leave. This is not normal especially when there have been no life changes (moving, job changes, deaths in family). Fighting is a sign of unhappiness or dissatisfaction and poor communication between two people.
Another huge part is how the person talks about their abuser. If they avoid conversations about them or complain about them often, this can be their way of venting or hiding their emotions. I never told anyone I was abused and did my best hiding it from family. I would get uncomfortable when people would ask me questions about my ex because I didn’t want to talk about my situation. Notice their body language- Even if its positive.
Body Changes Victims handle abuse in many different ways. Right before and after I left my abuser, I wasn’t eating. I lost my appetite and this was a really big deal in my case because I’ve always had a very healthy and large appetite. I was fearful and stressed out and also was physically insecure about my body. I would eat barely one meal a day and be full or nauseous after. My family suspected I was on drugs because of how odd my behavior was.
Sleeping patterns often change as well because of sleep. I remember I would barely sleep well when I was in the relationship and always had bad dreams. If you notice complaints of being tired and weird sleeping patterns this is a sign of emotional distress and trauma. Signs are very different for people and these are not always the signs for an individual you know. Usually intuition is the largest part of helping someone through their abuse.
Recovery Support I made many mistakes while trying to recover. I was still looking for a male figure to validate me and provide attention. Thank god I didn’t get close to the people I was talking to at the time. I wasn’t trusting and was very lost when it came down to my self esteem. Being there for someone and making them feel safe is a huge part of recovery. Whether its being available by phone or just texting, anything helps.
Odd Behavior Many times, I didn’t feel safe at home or my job. I was stalked and this led to a lot of internal fear and led me to an emotional breakdown. If you notice someone staying home a lot, using drugs/alcohol, a new friend group-this can be signs of unusual behavior. Many times mental health treatment is needed and the victim is struggling with dealing with the after effects of abuse.’
Honesty Being honest with myself and others was the most important part of my recovery. After lying to myself for so long, plus others around me, it was refreshing to not feel like I had to hide anything. Honesty took a while and won’t be something immediate during recovery. Taking steps towards honest mindsets and having honest relationships will make recovery more progressive. Therapy can help this and I very much suggest for victims during recovery. I regret not going to therapy because I think it could’ve made a huge difference.
Trust Finding people you can trust was one of the hardest part of recovery. Always worrying about manipulation and obsessiveness is what clouds your mind and closes victims off to new romantic interests, even friends. Trust isn’t a fast process and should not be rushed. Honesty and openness with others is only ready when the victim is. Learning how to have a healthy, adult relationships takes time and should NOT be rushed.
I am not an expert on this topic but I wanted to share my experience with you so the signs of abuse and recovery can become common knowledge. Abuse is life changing and can impact victims and everyone in their lives. You can alway help someone and be an important part of their recovery.
I listened to a coworker tell me about the girl he’s seeing, he was so worried about the red flags she drops but he really is just super into her and scared about how much he was into her. I, then fully believe, this is why we are alone.
It traces back to what we think we should do. Don’t act desperate, don’t be clingy, don’t be awkward. We are so afraid of acting like who we are too early because we’ll scare them away. Or we might end a connection that wasn’t as strong in the first place. The idea that we must be perfect in the early stages is so common and I think is why we go on a few dates and it doesn’t end up working.
We do this everyday. We paint a face and personality for how we really want to be perceived versus who we really are. We smile and have a natural facade. When it comes to dating, the longer you have this facade, the less compatible the two of you are. I hate it. But yet, I’m still the one that won’t text first, won’t be eager and fear being an option. But why do men play games? Playing devils advocate, are we wrong to avoid players? Those that call you three days later. Those that will make you question if they’re into you. Maybe they are part of the journey of finding someone important. Because, at the end of the day, you’re letting them waste your time for a subconscious reason. Its really hard to analyze someone else’s signals and learn their personality from texts and social media.
There is that “once in a blue moon” person you’ll meet and just be immediately comfortable with them. Yes, there are the rare situations where you meet someone and it feels right and you don’t have to pretend like you don’t cringe at men that wear sandals and bacon on everything. Maybe that is an early sign of something special, but I’m not sure if it is a definitive factor because nothing really is. But I think relationship games are the immediate sign of things not being cohesive. If we are afraid to show our true selves, aren’t we just wasting time?
In the case of friendships, we have such different approaches and should apply them to finding a partner. We act our natural selves and are way more open and vulnerable. We create a more euphoric energy for those we want to be “just friends” with, and we allow ourselves to love easier. I know this approach can be more difficult when we fantasize about fucking someone in the nearest bathroom, but maybe just think outside of those feelings. Approaching an attraction should feel organic, but maybe we get more of a rush by butterflies and being nervous.
The sad truth is that those that play games, aren’t taking things seriously. Being straightforward is about respect and focusing on what you truly want. Games are for getting what you want and putting a spell on someone. And yes, this means your own games, that you might play DO send the wrong signal too. Being distant and not attentive will leave many thinking you might not interested because of the societal romance of being chased. Its hard to really know how we want to communicate with a love interest because of social insecurities and our own personal ones. The old saying, “if a man wants you know, you’ll know it”, I very much agree with, but it is not my mantra. Men will be aggressive but not all are like this. At the end of the day, I like to wear the pantsuit in the relationship and I should be more socially forward because that is my natural personality. If he or she is playing games, they will never end. Ultimatums, passive aggression, lying. Immaturity comes in many different shapes and forms. The ones that are interested will show it, and those that aren’t will weirdly weed themselves out. Try to make connections but don’t try too hard- everything must come natural. Know what you want and always be open to love.
Never a Carrie 15 June 2018
In some ways, I have been disappointed I have never had the Calvin Klein model. Maybe its because I don't enjoy deep conversations about EDC (A rave festival in the sweltering heat of Vegas) or because my arms are too chubby? We will never know.
I have my type and I never end up with that person. Although, at the end of day, I need to know I am taken care of and respected and physical features are below those necessities for me. Knowing what I need and want are two very different things. I want a thousand dollar handbag, I need my Kipling mom purse with 600 pockets. And just like my ugly “mom” bag, my relationships work around my life and its tumultuous needs. We often admire relationships because of their aesthetics before real feelings and connections. Love is not something that values a physical connection, rather, lust ends quickly and is only great for tinder matches. I have never been the girl with the best looking boyfriend in the world. Or the girl with the hottest boyfriend in the world. Hell, I’m usually the girl just looking for a good hookup with someone that doesn’t talk too much. While I’m not trying to be annoyingly “Jennifer Lawrence SUPER RELATABLE”, I’m just telling you that if you are that girl with an envious, gorgeous relationship; you probably won’t relate to me. This concept hit me while sitting on my ass on a Friday night, and watching Sex and the City:“The Turtle and the Hare” from season 1. Maybe my favorite episode of the season. If you don’t recall, we see Skipper and Miranda and how he leaves a woman, mid intercourse, to call Miranda. Skipper is dorky, swooning, and a little childish. Much like the man children I slept with for more than… six months?
Why do I choose them awkward and adoring? Like Miranda, I know what I want and where I’m going and I’m difficult and opinionated. Not saying it like it’s a bad thing. I love my opinions and my ability to spot a guy who would emotionally let me down from across the room. Am I ashamed of never having the dream guy? Or the cute one that oggled at me at the mall? Maybe, but I’ll always be happy that our fights will be about frivolous things like his shirt not matching his pants.
I pick partners like Steve and Skipper- I am the number one priority and they worship me in every way. I love the security. I love that I can yell and have a bad day and he understands that I’m just upset and temperamental. I love the fact that even when I have no makeup on and get 5 hours of sleep ( I must have 8), he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. The more I analyzed my relationships I’ve understood my desire for someone that takes care of me and wouldn’t leave me guessing if we’re together (Like Big and Carrie).
I will never be half of the stunning, editorial couple. And thats okay. I am okay with being someone secure and loved in relationship without being with George Clooney. Besides, what’s better? Being with the guy that’s super hot, and bores the hell out of you? Or the Joe Schmo that can impersonate the super hot boring guy and make you laugh in the corner?
Know what you need, not what you think you want.
In No Rush 23 April 2018
As women, we are raised to prioritize marriage in our life goals. Get married, have children, work somehow around that and hope you can simultaneously have a happy marriage. I have never heard a woman of a certain status describe her relationship with herself and marriage the way I have recently. I listened to Stassi Schroeder’s podcast interview with Lisa Vanderpump and there were so many things that resonated with me and refreshed my mindset. I felt as though my life has been a list of goals that aren’t really what they should be. I feel as though young women are taught the wrong things so quickly, so that when we hit forty, we feel so inadequate and societally retired.
Listening to Stassi’s podcast, she asks Lisa how her meeting with her husband Ken felt and how they were engaged in 6 weeks and married in 3 months. Lisa, then was an aspiring model and actress. Ken, a club owner and playboy- and 16 years her senior. Lisa, at the ripe age of 20, didn’t instantly fall for the wealthy, socialite- or so she says. She mentions how he always wanted to marry her and she wasn’t trying to get married at all. She describes that she was someone trying to live her life and was also dating someone else when she met Ken. The oddness to me of a young, working girl, not being interested in an infatuated, wealthier man, in the 80s- hit me like a bus. I think the shock made me really ponder why this is so rare. Why, even me, a super feminist that believes money shouldn’t lead to love. Money can lead to companionship, just not love because those are two different things.
I believe the value of Vanderpump’s lifestyle should be a new mantra for women. I don’t know if a lot of women women do this, but like I said earlier, we center our lives around what our lives SHOULD have. Instead, we should center our lives around what we want to learn, what we want to feel, and who we want to be. Setting the goals to have a family, have your dream career, or make a certain amount of money-are not linear dreams. Dreams do not happen in a chronological/ awesome way. I know Lisa Vanderpump wasn’t trying to be an inspirational fairy godmother by stating how her relationship began. I felt very inspired by her attitude and how she stayed true to who she was and didn’t see marriage as checking off her to-do list.
Coming from someone that has mentally planned her life- from job inquisitions, marriage- even my first divorce, and of course, my second marriage, Vanderpump’s outlook was something I want to attain and follow. I think we all aim to accomplish things in our lives and thats all they are sometimes-things. Milestones in life shouldn’t be planned because you can’t plan those things.
Understanding Vanderpump’s wise words made me wonder why we as women are incapable of being whatever towards relationships or marriage. Maybe its the fear of dying alone, or the fear of never having children, a wedding, or the agony of family events alone. I think its easy to feel lonely when couples are always so obsessed with themselves on social media and in real life. I think the view of single women perpetuates loneliness and a “peculiar demeanor”. For single men, they’re defined as immature, lacking real life goals- like marriage, but they’re still a little more attractive than single women. I think women begin adulthood with pressure to meet someone for validation because without a relationship, you because you’re defined into a separate department of women. Either promiscuous, or difficult.
I’m also quick to contradict myself and ask: “Hey, what if life passes me by and I find myself forty and alone because I didn’t plan accordingly!”. I have always had that fear and my answer is simple and something no one with a natural amount of emotional anxiety can accept. If we study the beautiful womanhoods of Carrie Bradshaw and Oprah, we will be able to be fulfilled on our own and continue to live and feel without the goal of a male counterpart. They had/have their lives outside of their relationships and the the love they attain is from being who they are and giving all they have to themselves. Life with a roadmap won’t work, because in the end, did you actually live everything you could? Being able to grow and experience things should be life goals, and it is so vital you know you are never supposed to feel incomplete by being alone.
Along Came Vyve 17 April 2018
I have had few experiences with dating apps. Specifically, Bumble. I thought it was a more comfortable app and didn’t make me feel like I would get raped on the first date or attacked by dick pics *cough tinder cough*. While, nothing successful came from Bumble, I learned about myself and how the monsters hiding under your bed are really on their phones and dress cute.
I met some people that really had no interest in me or a relationship. But, I also met some people that were really aiming for a relationship and forced themselves to open up to me with my Taylor Swift high walls. Therapists always encourage dating apps because it is hard to meet people. I want to like the concept of dating apps, but part of me is too much of a romantic to like them and the stigma they create.
With Tinder, Bumble, Match, etcetera, etcetera we have learned that using a profile picture/pictures is an art in itself. Cleavage insinuates something, kids in your pictures insinuates something, and so on. Our pictures are who we are trying portray, not who we really are. If you disagree, think of the concept of Instagram. I think this a reason why dating apps fail in real life. Although, someone finally realized why this wasn’t working-Meet Vyve.
I came across Vyve recently and was very interested. It’s a dating app where you don’t even see that face of someone THEY set you up with. I’ll breakdown my experience with it and if I think it’ll change the initial “Can I have your number?” awkwardness.
I opened the app and it immediately links your facebook. I know no one likes facebook anymore so I linked my fake one because I don’t use that shit and I also find it useless when I can be narcissistic and loud on Twitter and Instagram ( I know every dating app uses Facebook). The app then asks something along the lines of: “Why do you want a relationship?” I was initially very surprised. I was able to answer and figure out what I want. It also helped me analyze if my hypothetical answer is even good and if I’m ready to care for and love someone new.
Next, the app asks “Show us a picture of you doing something you love.” Embarassingly, this question stumped me more than the first one! I really had to dig through my camera roll for a photo of me doing something natural or anything at all. I just take too many selfies and they’re not to show my personality but rather, my photoshopped face. I immediately felt how Vyve really found the issues with dating apps and technology and are trying to take us out of our comfort zones.
Before, I started chatting I was asked my ethnicity and religion. I was only able to choose one ethnicity and I didn’t like that, since I’m biracial. It then asked me my preferences for dating. It asked gender, ethnicity and religion. This is something I’ve never encountered. I don’t know if this is common on dating apps but I definitely got the grasp of how the app tailors to your preferences and is so customizable. I really appreciated that feature and think that can really help others experiences based on their preferences.
After they receive your photo, they told me they will be in contact with me in a few days. I really liked this feature because people start dating app profiles to sext, hookup and then ghost because they’re random cheaters and the app really boycotts this issue/activity.
Fast forward to when the app does review my profile. I open the app and it comes with another question: “What have you done that has improved the quality of your life?” I responded “Being positive.” I mean what was I supposed to say?! “I read Eat Pray Love and I see my therapist twice a week?” Didn’t think so.
After typing my response, I pressed search. I then saw a response immediately! You get five people to talk to and they begin with fun ice breaker questions. To the question, “What have you done that has improved the quality of your life?”, I saw a little pink message that said “Moved to NY” in response to my answer. You then can respond to their answer or leave and talk to someone else. You have five options to chat with people the app matched for you and you see a cloudy image of their profile picture. You are told the names of the strangers you’re talking to. I liked the anonymity and how that provides an open discussion and a safe space. Versus seeing someone and knowing what they look like, you might act a certain way to impress them or just be weird in general because you know what they look like (I do this).
I really liked the concept and design of the app. I found it very easy to use but I often got confused because it was SO guiding/controlled and there really isn’t a lot of freedom (That’s just me being dumb). It’s almost like speed dating in a way because the app creates the conversation through ice breakers and having preferences. I think the way environment the app creates makes it harder for people to be sexually forward and respectful. People tend to behave a way they wouldn’t in real life on apps or online and this app removes this mentality.
What I don’t like is that there aren’t a lot of users and you could be talking to someone across the U.S. and not in your hometown. That will eventually change once the app increases in popularity. A lot of dating apps start like that. Another thing I don’t like is that I have no idea what the person looks like-yes, this is the premise of the app. And no it doesn’t really matter, because when it comes down to it- relationships have NOTHING to do with looks. But, part of me wants to know if the person will have an ugly cum face (because I do predict those things) or if they, you know, have a unibrow. I think there should be a feature where someone could give users physical descriptions, like brown eyes, brown hair etc.
I am just being knit-picky because I really do like the app. I think it aims for real connections and can be a great answer for helping people meet. People don’t meet in person anymore and every app needs to fit a specific individual. I was anti dating apps because people wouldn’t use them for dating, they would use them for hooking up. Although, if hooking up is the goal, then dating apps are great. It just depends on what you specifically are looking for. When you’re done with hookups and want to begin the phase of having emotional intimacy and conversations about rug colors, download Vyve.
Why it can, but it won't 27 February 2018
I’ve heard stories about polyamory. I’ve researched it a bit but finally crafted a solid stance on the forbidden lifestyle. I remember a classmate telling me, “Oh my sister has something like that. Her boyfriend and her best friend all lived together and had threesomes…” As soon as I heard that I was so curious how people were living so happily lustful. They were indulgent and living the lifestyles our founding fathers wanted. “… But then I guess her boyfriend and her best friend kicked her out..” And that kind of has been how all of my research on polyamory went; Great and then a shocking landslide. I don’t know if the failure stems from the very factual “Reacher vs Settler” enigma or just that 2 plus more doesn’t work. Although, I really think polyamory could work and should…. But fails terribly.
Part of me doesn’t negate polyamory because two person couples fail end every 12 seconds. I’ve always heard that someone always gets left out in groups of three and I think sometimes that’s true. But, I think it also adds a mediator and more energy than a dyad. I also think a triad provides more intimacy and allows three people to exchange more emotions and gain fulfillment. I do not believe it is the fix to an unhappy relationship. It could be great for someone with a high sex drive that can cater to two people interchangeably. Although, I am curious as to what would happen if you lost a third; do you just search for a new one as a team? (And you can on OKCupid, wink wink)
If you’re wondering why I am so on board with polyamory, maybe I should discuss why I can’t be against it. I think its natural to get bored of monogamy. Thats why cheating happens all day long. Although, I’m not making polyamory a substitute to cheating! Cheating is the result to the lack of communication and the craving for sexual/emotional intimacy. Polyamory needs a lot of honesty. Couples or singles that combine to triads are already honest with themselves if they’re able to allow two people in their sexual and emotional spheres. Polyamory doesn’t have space for jealousy but is extremely desirable to individuals that get off to feeling jealous or are submissive/subservient. I do think people can be secure enough to share and create a loving environment for three people. Do I think everyone can become secure enough and partake in polyamory? Nope. I’m not being doubtful; I say that from a place where I also don’t think everyone can be secure enough to even be in a dyad relationship. Polyamory is an easy answer for multiple attractions and combined intimacy for those that crave it.
I applied the infamous “reacher/settler” hypothesis within polyamory to consider why they might fail. The ideal situation would be that two must be must be the reacher and one be the settler. I make that claim due to the fact that the feelings of being inconvenienced/dissatisfied felt by two-thirds already will not create a solid foundation for the whole. The reacher and settler dynamic will always occur in a sexual relationship. If you disagree… There’s more to come on my favorite hypothesis soon (;
I think that believing a dyad relationship would last and a triad won’t is ignorant. While we may not know successful ones, the major factor as to why they fail or aren’t as popular is evident. *Trumpets and a red velvet curtain raises* SOCIAL JUDGEMENT. The shock of three people having sex is mind-blowing to American society and is not accepted at all. If anything, polygamy is more accepted. Gay marriage isn’t even accepted yet. The disturbing, insane, not natural lifestyle of polyamory is misunderstood and maybe only accepted in West Hollywood or a millionaire owned island in The Caribbean. Of course I have hope because I think polyamory would help a lot of people. Humans can love more than one person and every individual needs a certain lifestyle and a certain relationship. To say polyamory is wrong is not realistic is closed minded and easy to say about the *all in favor* monogamy. Some people just need more.
White Horse 21 February 2018
From an early age, I believed that love will cure my depressing days or my anxiety and low self esteem. I thought I was going to wear a designer dress and Louboutins and he would show up with 100 roses in a Bentley. He would whisk me away and make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the whole world. We are all taught this from an an early age and then reinforced this fairytale while watching “The Bachelor”. I love The “Bachelor” though, because there’s always a villain and she’s always the stereotypical crazy woman that is politically incorrect in every way. Plus, Arie is really hot and doesn’t look like a One Direction member 15 years later like the old Bachelors.
I think the main question people should ask themselves before they want to fall in love is, “Do I have the emotional capacity and emotional intelligence to love and care for another human being?” or “Do I crave to be loved and cared for by another human being?”. It’s so easy to look at love as a rags to riches situation because we are shown this constantly through the media. We think we’ll be fulfilled by another person and this fulfillment will make us happy. I often have this fantasy too and it’s not even about love but something I see as positive and a substantial event in my life. I came to the realization that while positive changes can bring great things into your life, they also add work and work shines a microscope on the hidden problems. No big event or person will make things go from “a one bedroom apartment to a 10 bedroom French Chateau”. The only way to really fix and change what you want in yourself and your life is to change your mindset and how you live your life.
I think we all aim for this. We aim to be somewhere in our lives where everything is fixed and that’s why we think our answer is love or a relationship. I think the whole goal of daydreaming for your “Notebook” experience is the best part of believing this propaganda. Because once you stop believing that Mr/Mrs Right doesn’t exist, you find out love is more about you than the other person. It’s always easier to believe that someone else will love you more than you can love yourself.
I have so many examples of why love will not put an end to your cloudy days. We all crave having that one person that makes everything feel different and I think that’s possible. But, finding happiness in someone else is a false sense of hope. Aiming for someone to rescue you via a relationship will leave you depleted and empty. You not only will hurt yourself but the other person for placing all of your happiness on their existence. I have been guilty of this and have a loved one do this to me. It’s hard to really define the difference between codependency and happiness dependency because they’re both toxic and disguised. Placing your hope, dreams and love on another person isn’t fair to your partner and strains the relationship in every way. Loving the person you are will help you find the person that fits you and will you both will able to understand the quirks and joys that love brings.
Why Valentine’s Day is a Scam: A Memoir 7 February 2018
I honestly hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve hated it when I was single and when I was talking in a relationship. I think it’s cute when you’re 7 and want to give a valentine to a boy that doesn’t actually pick his nose in class. I don’t find it special anymore. I think it puts a lot of pressure on a relationship and it’s just a waste of energy. If you feel like your relationship needs a big huge event for Valentine’s Day you’re either addicted to social media or your relationship isn’t as fun as it should be.
I remember being single on Valentine’s Day and feeling crappy about myself and lonely. Yes, a capitalistic holiday MADE ME feel that, along with millions of other women. I think what’s really wrong with Valentine’s Day is that it doesn’t include all of the other people that you love like your friends or cousins or siblings. It makes you feel like you’re a reject even though you have so many sources of happiness in your life. It has to be romanticized because that sells lingerie and candy. I do love love and think that it should be celebrated everyday but I think Valentine’s Day is a good ol’ tv infomercial scam.
I’m sure people will argue that it’s cute and a tradition and good for people with busy schedules. I fully agree. I love Target’s decorations they pump out and the color scheme of red and pink. I really do agree that Valentine’s Day is adorable but at what cost? Do we as a lover really expect just a card and a $12 bouquet of roses? If you answered yes, you didn’t really answer yes. We want to wakeup to a symphony downstairs ( a la crazy Kanye). We want a Gucci handbag and those boxes of roses we see on Instagram. We want a horse and carriage ride to dinner and to be told we’re amazing all the way there. Why? Because we’ve been brainwashed by Kay Jewelers and Nicholas Sparks.
Maybe you’ll notice that none of the gifts I listed were sincere, loving gestures. Someone making you a homemade gift, cooking your favorite dinner, or saving up for a dinner at the local steakhouse and a movie is not what we truly fantasize about. But those are all gifts that take real effort and love and care. Valentine’s Day is about material things, just like Christmas is advertised. Love isn’t about how great your day was versus another couples and it really has become set to standards. Standards that society has made. Not based on how fat your love is but your wallet.
Nobody’s love or relationship is perfect. And Valentine’s Day shouldn’t pretend that’s how it should be. Relationships have real life problems and obstacles. Relationships cannot be fixed by one day of mass spending. I really wish they could be but they can’t. And if you really, truly are in love and enthralled by who you’re with-one day is not enough for your celebration. I will celebrate Valentine’s Day in my life because I don’t have the energy to boycott it but I have a different attitude towards and think we should cherish everyone is our lives all year round.
Healing the Cling 26 January 2018
While listening to “Loveline”, my favorite podcast with Amber Rose and Dr. Chris, they mentioned something I strongly related to. It resonated with me and made me think about my relationship complex. Dr. Chris said something along the lines of “When I’m into someone… I wanna spend all day with them and text them all day everyday.” I related so much to this statement and realized this is why love/friendships are the hardest part of my life.
I have had arguments with friends and partners usually based off of not getting enough time together or wanting constant attention. I used to think this was my “standards” and how I wanted people to give their time and energy to me because, obviously, ~~I’m worth it~~ *hair flip*. It didn’t hit me until a few years ago I would see Tumblr posts saying, “Focusing on yourself and not being constantly there for someone is okay”. Yes, this statement is completely true. This started self reflection and today, I feel guilty for being the person that needed emotional babysitting and adding a fragile element to whatever relationship I had with someone.
I am exhausting, whether or not I mean to be. These habits have made me strive for obsession and emotionally unstable friends/partners. I always wanted to feel powerful and in control of the relationship to make me feel as though I was happy/fulfilled. Would I be the person that catered to these rules (Role Reversal)? I used to be. I used to do the same for others and we fed off of each others toxicity. It doesn’t happen overnight to realize your habits, and no one will ever flat out tell you whats wrong; I wish it was that easy. Coming to this realization is freeing. I have often wondered why I struggle with relationships and having my “Ah-ha!” moment will help me in the future. I know I’m not the only clinger in the world so I wanted to do some research why I truly suck the life out of love.
Psychology Today correlates this issue to fearing abandonment or even abandoning childhood experiences. Those answers checked off my boxes. The little voice in my head worrying about infidelity or trust have always been an issue of mine. My insecurities and lack of confidence have also contributed and its an obvious answer to my immature actions and behavior.
I personally know I need to go to therapy to fix these issues to have happy and healthy relationships. Looking in the mirror and being honest with myself has helped me when identifying the root of my actions. Next time you get anxious because they’re taking too long to reply to a text/phone call or you think they’re ignoring you, I know that voice too. Your heart will heal just like mine will so we aren’t starved for the emotional validation and we recieve the love both people in the relationship deserve.
Winning for Losing 23 January 2018
After seeing this on my timeline multiple times, with retweeted compliments to the person (I’m not assuming they’re a girl) that did it; I was shocked. Shocked that after 5 years, they didn’t even want closure. That person was able to completely drop and end everything after five years. And in every way- this is revenge. I have never been a vengeful person. I have thought about having revenge but stop myself every time. I’m more of someone to be angry at them and try to tell them how I felt. That isn’t me saying I don’t relate to others seeking revenge.
At first, I was obviously perplexed by their actions, but then asked, is this self care? Is that person just trying to really “focus on themselves”. And the answer is no, this is not self care. Self care is not leaving a life behind thinking that everything will be different. Self care is admitting and being honest. There are so many alternative routes and I question whether this hurt the author more than the boyfriend. When someone deeply hurts you, why would you grow a facade for the world? People get betrayed all the damn time. To act as though you have no hurt feelings and shame shows you feel those emotions at a telenovela intensity.
When I’ve wanted revenge, it was because I was so insanely damaged. I felt so wronged and betrayed by that person. I felt as though my vulnerability was taken advantage of. I wasn’t able to actually voice how I felt and relay my emotions. I relate to wanting another person to feel your pain and misery, while does that really fix our broken hearts? Does seeing someone else sad make us happy? No. Well, it shouldn’t.
The author is quick and displays no empathy nor sadness. Sterility is a major theme until the last sentence.”When he thinks how good he’s had it the past five years.” This statement makes it evident that the author was taken for granted long before finding their partner cheating. Their hidden rejection resonates in all of us and I think is why its gone viral. I think we as women are scared to be seen as vulnerable nowadays and see too many of our friends get hurt by jerks-especially how social media exploits the events. If revenge is your usual way of dealing with burned bridges, I hope you have found forgiveness in your actions. I think forgiveness is so hard to feel and something that someone at every age struggles with. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight and I am curious now to actually seek revenge but maybe not to the author’s extent (I’m way too lazy). I am tempted yet skeptical.
Finding their Becky with the Good Hair 9 January 2018
Everyone gets cheated on. We cheat or get cheated on and if you think you’ve never been cheated on or cheated you probably weren’t in more than 1 relationship or you live on Mars. With social media and dating apps, finding someone or sexting can be done in minutes. Dating is now as easy as ordering a new sweater and it might be an artificial connection but it’s still one. I do miss meeting someone without finding their Instagram profile after one encounter. I miss the mystery of not being able to peep into their life just by typing their name. With newfound technology, we are now able to cheat faster and better. “Sliding thru DMs” or “swiping right” sound so weird and they’re now ways we validate each other. When we love someone do we still keep that new spark? That new rush of feeling someone new attracted to us? Maybe that’s the most ironic part about cheating today.
I can blame society, I can blame social media and I can blame womanizers for why I hate cheaters. Although, there is part of me that sympathizes with cheaters because I have also craved the “extra” attention. I’ve been in the place of wanting to cheat in a committed relationship and wanting to be in an open relationship. I think the funniest part of cheating isn’t actually having sex/being around them; but trying to do things in secret. It’s like doing something your parents tell you not to do and you feel sneaky and mischievous. There are many things I’ve learned about cheating first hand that are ugly and just psychological experiments. So, if you have ever been cheated on, are getting over it, or cheated on someone, squint a little harder at your phone while reading. (I was going to say listen up but...)
If you have been cheated on, you might be on a crossroads of whether to stay or leave. If you have been in the relationship less than a year and found cheating, I just suggest leaving. Less than a year isn’t really THAT long for the person to already get bored of you especially if they’ve been cheating for like 2 months and have been with you for 6 (See my point?) I think if there isn’t a solid ground for the cheating and you don’t have a good collective for the relationship-leave. If you like the person and spending time with them, make it an open relationship or a “once in a while” type deal.
If you’re currently getting over a cheat breakup, the best thing you can do is avoid starting another relationship. Focus on yourself and think about why you were with someone that cheated and how they made you feel. Mourn the end of the relationship and embrace the change in your life. Your time for getting over the relationship is as long as you need and there is no rule for how long it should take. The worse thing you could do is dive into another relationship you WEREN’T ready for and it’s a repeat of your last. Go on a trip with friends, take up new hobbies or do anything to bring a new source of fun with your time. If you’ve just cheated on someone, take a while to questions what path you want to take. Whether it’s leaving or staying, ask why you want to leave or stay. There is a big reason why you cheated and if you want to stay, weigh what you really want and don’t want. Obviously something wasn’t working and honesty is a large issue. If you plan on changing your ways or staying the same, your partner needs to be aware of your choice. Take time away from the relationship and figure out what you want before communicating. Cheating and not fixing what has happened and regaining trust will become very toxic very fast. It’s very important to forgive yourself and your partner forgives you.
Being cheated on or cheating is just another form of relationship exploration we endure. There are many reasons why people do so and what they learn from it is up to them. Not everyone cheats and not everyone lies, and love is never a for sure thing. One day can be great and the next day can leave you in tears and that’s something you always have to remind yourself. Love will not always have a happy ending and will not always make you happy, it’s a crapshoot. No matter the path you take, remember that only you can choose what happens next and to grow from every experience.